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27 November 2006 @ 10:40 pm
WARNING: This is depressing shit, yo.  
So, I have officially moved into the "depressed" phase of my manic-depression. I mean, unless there's some other reason that tears are rolling down my cheeks for no reason, and that my main thought of the day is that I've been up all night and day (as opposed to my usual few hours at this time of day), and have still managed to accomplish exactly nothing, other than a small amount of work on my Sociology paper and a fight with Josh. (I'm sorry, I don't care if he likes Firefox better: it's my computer, I like IE, and I have a shitload of programs/job possibilities that require it!)

Not only am I not hungry, I don't even feel like cooking, which I always feel like doing. *tries to think of something that sounds appetizing. Comes up with lobster, Indian food, and China-style Chinese, none of which are in her price range*

I hate this. I hate having no money, and knowing that "no money" is actually shitloads of money that I just don't want to touch, because I have this vague, idiotic idea that I'll go away to school someday, even though I have less than no interest in going back to school in the Spring at all these days. I hate that my father has no concept of the fact that doing whatever the female equivalent of trying to make me a man is isn't working, and is in fact just causing my depression, which is in turn causing my poor school performance. I hate that he so obviously cares about his new family more, and only wants me to show up to stuff because otherwise he feels like he's getting cheated. ("You cannot eat Thanksgiving dinner with your grandmother. You always spend the holidays with her, and it's my turn!" Oh, bite me, asshole.) I love *is sarcastic* that apparently I have to be the "good grandchild" for my stepgrandparents, because their grandchildren suck so badly, but at the same time, I keep expecting every other phrase out of my father's mouth to be "Bad puppy!"

*cries some more*

It's not even fun crying, like when you read "In Another Life" and you know you're going to break down and sob, but you enjoy it. It's just...silent, uncontrollable tears and a choke-tight throat.

Fuck. I can't even remember the last thing that I did that made me feel accomplished. I mean, sure, when josh set up my room, but all I did then was sit on the beanbag chair and read a novel while Roadkill leaned against the beanbag chair and read "King Lear"...after switching the TV tables from one floor to another (Roadkill, not me). I think the last time I really felt like "Wow, look what I did!" was either when I won a prize I wasn't expecting in the sg1cascade icons contest a few weeks ago, or when I got kudos for making a banner for the TieTuckLuv winter thing. And even those were, in the grand scheme of things, fairly dumb.


I don't even want to go to sleep, even though I got all of about two hours of it today. I just wanna...get something, anything done. *ponders starting one of the myriad juvenile craft kits she has in the basement, then remembers that no, she was going to try to sell those for a little extra money on eBay*

*goes back to looking at eBay prices and figuring out how much she can make selling off only the stuff she doesn't want anymore*

Current Music: Chuck Berry "No Particular Place To Go" (a song of futility)
samuel_tresch on November 28th, 2006 03:24 am (UTC)
My door is always open for you. You know how to get to my place, and I know how to get to yours if you don't want to leave your house. Never hesitate to call on me if you need me.
MASHFanficChickmashfanficchick on November 28th, 2006 03:27 am (UTC)
*smiles at John* Thanks. That is one thing I know I can always count on. (Even if it does remind me that...well never mind, that's your business, but I'm still pissed about the first day of school.)
The Only Living Boy in New York: sadnightstalker on November 28th, 2006 04:23 am (UTC)
MASHFanficChickmashfanficchick on November 30th, 2006 06:45 am (UTC)
*hugs back* You always make me feel better. :-)
(Deleted comment)
MASHFanficChickmashfanficchick on November 30th, 2006 06:46 am (UTC)
Um...I'm not too sure I have room in my house for a moose, but the thought made me laugh! Thanks! :-D
Akina: *sigh* (SG-1: Vala)akina16 on November 28th, 2006 06:14 am (UTC)
*hugs* sorry sweetie... I know how it feels to not want to do anything... you just have to try...
MASHFanficChickmashfanficchick on November 30th, 2006 06:54 am (UTC)
*hugs* Thanks. And yeah, but it's the trying that's so hard....

Then again, I got a lot done today: I made CJ a birthday present, and made icons for this week's sgcascadeicons contest, and got one of this week's Pogo badges, and put all my tokens in to win next month's $1,000 drawing. *is impressed with herself*

Akinaakina16 on November 30th, 2006 06:16 pm (UTC)
lol yeah I finished my badges already for this week... although I don't do anything with the tokens... I just let them build... I should watch sgcascadeicons so I can see em...
MASHFanficChickmashfanficchick on December 1st, 2006 05:34 am (UTC)
I let the tokens build, too, until I have some reason (in this case, Club Pogo trial membership tokens--on my non-main name; I have permanent Club Pogo on that--that were about to expire) to cash them in. So by the time I went all in, I had about 60,000 on one name, a few hundred thousand on a second, and about 1.5 million on my main name. This time in two days, I should know if I'm a thousand bucks richer.
Akinaakina16 on December 1st, 2006 10:24 pm (UTC)
that would be sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!! good luck!
Wiseacreewin on November 28th, 2006 01:08 pm (UTC)
I so know this feeling... the only thing that helps is to get something done, and sometimes that just feels so utterly impossible.

I've gotten drunk in order to be able to do dishes before. :) HATE having ADD.

www.engrish.com . Just for the next time you're feeling bad...
MASHFanficChickmashfanficchick on November 30th, 2006 06:51 am (UTC)
*hugs Ewin and sends her many thanks*

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: even though I wouldn't wish my life on anyone, there are days it really helps knowing I have friends who really understand. Though I have a feeling my mother, who has NEVER gotten drunk (like, not even once. She's really weird like that.), would not be too crazy about me getting drunk just to get the dishwasher unloaded. ;-)
FanFromFla: days like thesefanfromfla on November 28th, 2006 05:56 pm (UTC)
I feel so helpless knowing that someone so sweet and wonderful is so sad. I don't have any words of wisdom, just hugs to offer you, plus this: Get some sleep! And listen to the good people here who love you.
MASHFanficChickmashfanficchick on November 30th, 2006 06:47 am (UTC)
Don't put yourself down: all that was words of wisdom. Thanks. *hugs*
therentgirlstherentgirls on November 30th, 2006 06:36 am (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough place right now.
MASHFanficChickmashfanficchick on November 30th, 2006 06:55 am (UTC)
Thanks. It helps a lot knowing there are people who care. :-)