MASHFanficChick (mashfanficchick) wrote,
MASHFanficChick
mashfanficchick

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WARNING: This is depressing shit, yo.

So, I have officially moved into the "depressed" phase of my manic-depression. I mean, unless there's some other reason that tears are rolling down my cheeks for no reason, and that my main thought of the day is that I've been up all night and day (as opposed to my usual few hours at this time of day), and have still managed to accomplish exactly nothing, other than a small amount of work on my Sociology paper and a fight with Josh. (I'm sorry, I don't care if he likes Firefox better: it's my computer, I like IE, and I have a shitload of programs/job possibilities that require it!)

Not only am I not hungry, I don't even feel like cooking, which I always feel like doing. *tries to think of something that sounds appetizing. Comes up with lobster, Indian food, and China-style Chinese, none of which are in her price range*

I hate this. I hate having no money, and knowing that "no money" is actually shitloads of money that I just don't want to touch, because I have this vague, idiotic idea that I'll go away to school someday, even though I have less than no interest in going back to school in the Spring at all these days. I hate that my father has no concept of the fact that doing whatever the female equivalent of trying to make me a man is isn't working, and is in fact just causing my depression, which is in turn causing my poor school performance. I hate that he so obviously cares about his new family more, and only wants me to show up to stuff because otherwise he feels like he's getting cheated. ("You cannot eat Thanksgiving dinner with your grandmother. You always spend the holidays with her, and it's my turn!" Oh, bite me, asshole.) I love *is sarcastic* that apparently I have to be the "good grandchild" for my stepgrandparents, because their grandchildren suck so badly, but at the same time, I keep expecting every other phrase out of my father's mouth to be "Bad puppy!"

*cries some more*

It's not even fun crying, like when you read "In Another Life" and you know you're going to break down and sob, but you enjoy it. It's just...silent, uncontrollable tears and a choke-tight throat.

Fuck. I can't even remember the last thing that I did that made me feel accomplished. I mean, sure, when josh set up my room, but all I did then was sit on the beanbag chair and read a novel while Roadkill leaned against the beanbag chair and read "King Lear"...after switching the TV tables from one floor to another (Roadkill, not me). I think the last time I really felt like "Wow, look what I did!" was either when I won a prize I wasn't expecting in the sg1cascade icons contest a few weeks ago, or when I got kudos for making a banner for the TieTuckLuv winter thing. And even those were, in the grand scheme of things, fairly dumb.

*sighs*

I don't even want to go to sleep, even though I got all of about two hours of it today. I just wanna...get something, anything done. *ponders starting one of the myriad juvenile craft kits she has in the basement, then remembers that no, she was going to try to sell those for a little extra money on eBay*

*goes back to looking at eBay prices and figuring out how much she can make selling off only the stuff she doesn't want anymore*

Abyssinia,
Barrie
Tags: dad, depression, family, friends, interesting comments, money, school
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