MASHFanficChick (mashfanficchick) wrote,

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JB's dead...but I'm still alive.

It's so weird to know and think that JB's gone. I haven't posted here once since he died, because I didn't think I could handle it: he was always the first one to answer any post I put up. Now, when I finally thought I was ready to join the Wired New York Forum--a forum online where he was a major member; they invited me to join after I worked with them helping a community garden in Beej's name--I see that there's been a bunch of activity in "his" thread lately: one of the boys who killed him plea-bargained away a second-degree manslaughter charge, leaving all four boys to seemingly spend no more than 18 months in a juvenile facility. That's not fair, and it's not right, but at the same time, as much as everyone else seems hell-bent on vengence, I don't think they should have been charged as adults. Two were 12, the other two were 14. Maybe I'm naive, hell, I'm positive I am, but at that age, I can't imagine that they had the slightest fucking idea what danger they might have been putting him in by what they did. So while 18 months isn't enough, I can't bring myself to wish them life in prison either. I just pray that they learn something from what they did, from the fact that they took away my beautiful, beautiful friend, and that they try to turn their lives around. Of course, I doubt that will happen; more likely, they'll come out of juvie more fucked up than they went in. But I can hope.

I just realized that it's been almost exactly six months since he died. Just this moment. It seems like so much less time has gone by, like our lives stopped when he died. It feels as though it should be coming up a month now, maybe, or maybe a few months. But not six. I can't even imagine the idea of six months without JB. And if I can't imagine six months without him, how am I going to live for another 60-odd years?

In the meantime, I keep saying that I'm going to delete this journal and start over, but I've realized that I can't. I can't kill off JB like that, not as easily as they did. I'm not doing things I want to, because I've been thinking as though I didn't have a journal, and that's not ok, From now on, I'm back, and so is my journal! I'm going to simply start from where I am, just changing the format a little because I will likely be using it more for fannish stuff than for anything else. When JB died, I promised myself that the only way I could help him was to behave the way he would have wanted me to. That means going to school and doing the best I can, and spending my free time DOING stuff, not fucking around my house by myself.

So. I can't guarantee that this will be the last pity party this journal ever sees, but I'm going to damn well try. JB, I love you, and I will always love you and remember you, and care about you with all my heart. I hope that wherever you are, you're at peace.
Tags: death, interesting comments, jb, ruminations

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