I just realized that it's been almost exactly six months since he died. Just this moment. It seems like so much less time has gone by, like our lives stopped when he died. It feels as though it should be coming up a month now, maybe, or maybe a few months. But not six. I can't even imagine the idea of six months without JB. And if I can't imagine six months without him, how am I going to live for another 60-odd years?
In the meantime, I keep saying that I'm going to delete this journal and start over, but I've realized that I can't. I can't kill off JB like that, not as easily as they did. I'm not doing things I want to, because I've been thinking as though I didn't have a journal, and that's not ok, From now on, I'm back, and so is my journal! I'm going to simply start from where I am, just changing the format a little because I will likely be using it more for fannish stuff than for anything else. When JB died, I promised myself that the only way I could help him was to behave the way he would have wanted me to. That means going to school and doing the best I can, and spending my free time DOING stuff, not fucking around my house by myself.
So. I can't guarantee that this will be the last pity party this journal ever sees, but I'm going to damn well try. JB, I love you, and I will always love you and remember you, and care about you with all my heart. I hope that wherever you are, you're at peace.